# ponderisms



## drtyTshrt (May 27, 2009)

I copied this from another site. I thought it might be enjoyed here.
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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. 

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. 
Life is sexually transmitted. 
Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? 

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.. 
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? 


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? 
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?


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## codyh (Mar 30, 2009)

Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead



Those are my favorite. Haha


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## codyh (Mar 30, 2009)

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to
smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you
going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


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## IBBruin (Feb 10, 2009)

If a #2 pencil is the most popular pencil, why is it still #2?


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## drtyTshrt (May 27, 2009)

why are all the pictures of bigfoot fuzy? Maybe the're not. Maybe there is a big fuzzy monster running
around getting his picture taken.


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## codyh (Mar 30, 2009)

^^Isn't that mitch hedburg? haha


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## BlackBeast (Nov 12, 2009)

I am an elevator mechanic and I can tell you that pushing the button more than once just wears out the button


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## DTX (Mar 24, 2010)

codyh said:


> 1) Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
> your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
> 
> 2) Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
> ...


1) taxes

2) its cheaper/easier to make 

3) life

4) common sense is not that common

5) refer to answer 4

6) it's possible, my brother used to work there and the guys were careful to only have pepsi products


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## DTX (Mar 24, 2010)

BlackBeast said:


> I am an elevator mechanic and I can tell you that pushing the button more than once just wears out the button


 Job security :biggthumpup:


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## 650Brute (Dec 18, 2008)

Why do you park on a Driveway, and drive on a parkway?


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## 650Brute (Dec 18, 2008)

I also think its cool that racecar spells racecar backwards.


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## drtyTshrt (May 27, 2009)

DTX said:


> 1) taxes
> 
> 2) its cheaper/easier to make
> 
> ...


 you sir are a genius.
I like to tell people that I have rare sense because common sense is just to common.


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## yulee (May 6, 2010)

how true


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## drtj (May 3, 2009)

what would we call a fly if it didnt have wings?

A walk?


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## Muleskinner (Apr 24, 2009)

Mitch Hedberg and Stephen Wright were the masters of this. I could listen to Hedberg 24/7. Twisted genius.


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## BlackBeast (Nov 12, 2009)

DTX said:


> Job security :biggthumpup:


:rockn: Good point, so keep pushin that button! :rockn:


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